My Bloody Sleeve…
So I have this friend and when we were in college we’d often sit on the hood of a car, or lay down in a park, or whatever location we could find and look up at the stars and have these long intense conversations. We’d talk about God, relationships, politics, the ridiculous and silly(there’s a common misconception amongst people who are just getting to know me that I take life too seriously, but I have a huge appreciation for the silly but this is an entirely different conversation), pretty much anything was fair game. We’d talk till we ran out of words, or felt too tired, or the sun came up, or when we got a little older and brought wine into the equation, decided we had too much to drink. I can’t even remember the conversation we were having but I’ll always remember her reaction, “Dude, take it off your sleeve and place it back in your chest”. I just laughed, because I knew exactly what she was telling me.
All my life I’ve lived with my heart on my sleeve. I don’t know any other way. I always thought that’s how it was supposed to be, and that those who didn’t live this way were atrophied in their soul. Well as I grew up, more and more people were “atrophied in their soul”. And now after living on this planet for 3 decades, I’ve realized I’m one of the few that actually think this is natural. I’m now questioning how healthy this lifestyle really is. It might make for easy songwriting, but lately it just seems like it’s more of a burden then a freedom…like it once was.
Every piece of dust, lent, or debris that life has floating in the air will collect on a heart that’s worn on the sleeve. Every bad show, failed friendship, unrequited love they all cut. Scars are the closest thing I have to walls, but scars don’t protect much. But even in the aftermaths of some of the worst casualties that this heart has suffered, I still leave it where it is. Exposed.
I know artists who can expose the most intimate places of their heart on a canvas or in a song, yet when the song is over and the paint is dried they return to an unexposed state. I now envy these people…maybe.
How can one leave their self so exposed? How is it I never learned to build these walls and protection devices that everyone else seems to have? Did I just miss that part of life? Was it part of that ‘Everything I Learned I Learned in Kindergarten’ poster? I have to admit I never did read all the way to the bottom.
Yeah, I guess I’ll never learn.
“Dude, take it off your sleeve and place it back in your chest”
